(The following is brought to you by Ms. Hyde in the depths of my Luteal Phase. I thought about not posting this, but maybe somebody else out there is struggling just as much as I am, or maybe you have advice.)
PMDD or Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is defined by various medical publications as “very severe PMS.” Yeah…sure…
The common symptoms of PMDD, according to Cleveland Clinic, are:
- Anger or irritability.
- Feeling on edge, overwhelmed, or tense.
- Anxiety and panic attacks.
- Depression and suicidal thoughts.
- Difficulty concentrating.
- Fatigue and low energy.
- Food cravings, binge eating, or changes in appetite.
- Headaches.
- Insomnia.
- Mood swings.
Check, check, and check.
To me, PMDD feels like becoming a completely different person the week or week and a half before my period. I was afraid I was bipolar for a long time because of it. Some months I’d be fine with slight irritability but nothing unmaskable, then suddenly the next month it felt like my world was caving in. I would rethink everything about my current life, even if I had been smiling to myself on the car ride home not even a day before.
I feel like Jekyll and Hyde.
As a teenager, I had absolutely no idea that this was happening or that there was a reason behind it. I just got really sensitive and thought it was PMS. Then I learned that not everybody feels like their world is imploding and they are going nowhere…once a month…shocking I know.
I was a monster to my nearest and dearest and barely contained my attitude toward the rest of the world (mostly by becoming despondent and spacey). My friends and family saw the worst because I felt safe to show emotions around them, even if the negative irrational ones weren’t fair to them.
It didn’t start to get really bad until I was in college. I was often left alone to my heinous thoughts. It led me to a very dark place that I had to claw myself back from. The worst part is that once that week was over, I couldn’t remember why I felt so terrible in the first place. There was no trigger that I could see to start my downward spiral.
Whereas normal PMS symptoms make you more sensitive, PMDD feels like being separated from your body. Like something or someone else has the controls and you just have to white-knuckle through the storm. Sometimes I can wrench back controls to mask it and be social for an hour or two, but I’m best left alone until the winds die down. In those days, I’m not good company. I’m not a good friend or partner or sister or daughter. In those days I’m simply surviving.
There must be a treatment for it, right?
Kinda? First, they put you on mood stabilizers or antidepressants, which work for the most part until a particularly intense bout of hormones throws you off. To be fair, these have worked wonders for me just in my daily life. Having a level baseline for the rest of the month helps to put those bad weeks into perspective as not the norm. Life is good, it’s just also sometimes hard.
The next thing every doctor suggests is hormonal birth control. If your hormones are causing you grief, why not just…mess with them more without actually testing your hormones beforehand? Honestly, birth control is a lot of doctors’ go-to because they don’t know what else to tell you. They don’t do hormone level tests unless you’re trying to get pregnant and have struggled for at least a year. You can demand tests…but that doesn’t mean insurance will cover it.
Of course, there are the “lifestyle” treatments they suggest. You know the ones—stress management, balanced diet, exercise. “Stress makes symptoms worse, so really try to manage it as best you can.” This is hilarious to tell somebody with anxiety and simply a mood disorder in general. I am almost always stressed. Um…have you seen our world, right now? I’m going to need more than just “manage stress” as a tactic. Granted, yes, making those types of lifestyle changes REALLY does help. It’s just hard to have somebody look you in the eye and say “Exercise helps” or “Eat less sugar” like it would be that simple. It’s also really hard to push yourself to move and not eat like crap when all you wanna do is sit on the couch with a bag of chips watching a fluffy movie.
Until you’ve tried all of those things for at least a year at a time, they don’t really see it as an issue. “We’ll check back in to see how you’re doing.” But when some of the most extreme symptoms are panic attacks and suicidal ideation…you’d think they would take you a bit more seriously than “Have you tried birth control?” or “Make sure you’re exercising every day,” or “Have you tried meditation?”
My favorite was from one doctor who said “That all evens out once you’ve been pregnant.” Um…okay…but maybe I don’t want to do that. Not to mention that many people who suffer from PMDD will suffer from Post-Partum Depression…so that’s cool, right? You’ll get 9 months of “normal” mood swings and sensitivity and then freefall into PPD. Cool!
There’s also the holistic side of the internet that tells you adaptogens or CBD or specific vitamins will help. More trial and error. More messing with your brain chemistry. These things scare me because they could interact badly with my medications and make things way worse.
I guess what I mean to say is, there’s not enough research into issues that affect women. It’s especially clear when the first treatment is birth control, which has its own pamphlet of side effects. It’s just so frustrating not to have answers for these things. To feel crazy every single month. To have to watch your loved ones suffer through your moods that you’re barely able to contain.
I apologize to my momma who had to endure Ms. Hyde for years while barely controlled. I apologize to my best friends who might have seen glimpses of her when she felt safe to emote. I apologize to my fiancee who deals with this literally every month and is an absolute legend for trying his best to help me come back to myself. Mostly, I apologize to myself for not cutting some slack when I know the one I’m most vicious to is myself.
I’ll get through it. Life is good, and life is hard. Both can be true. I’m learning to love myself, even the not-so-fun parts. The first step is being honest with myself and learning to work through this kind of thing.
From the throes of PMDD,
The writer formerly known as Jekyl and Ms. Hyde
Subtle Stories 