My relationship with my body—shape, size, appearance, and abilities—is complicated. I couldn’t really find a way to describe the tumultuous feeling. Some days are positive, some days are negative, and some rare days are blissfully neutral. Recently, I saw someone on social media declare that they are not friends with their body but are more like coworkers.
Coworkers are brought together by their jobs, but won’t necessarily immediately see eye-to-eye or agree on certain things. They can, however, form a very professional tolerance and learn how to communicate with each other to get their jobs done. Would we love it if coworkers got to be friends? Of course! And that is the ultimate goal.
Reframing my mindset
It is very strange to have the type of disconnect I have toward my body. Let me explain. How I see my body in my head does not often match what I see in the mirror, or at least how I perceive it. Or maybe, the way I wish my body was does not match what I see in the mirror and/or how I perceive that image. (My ideal is probably toned with more tattoos…sorry, Mom).
Growing up I was athletic, but never had the idealized athletic build. Those Germanic genetics did not build me slight and lithe. I was stocky and strong. I was a goalkeeper for goodness sake, built for quick bursts of power and not long-haul endurance. At least, in my mind, that’s what I was. Looking back on photos of that time I’m always confused about how I saw myself in such a harsh light. I never felt “right” in my body, which I think is pretty par for the course of adolescence.
I think a lot of my disconnect nowadays is because I lack that physical goal I had as a teen. I played sports. I knew what I was training for. It didn’t feel like as much of a chore to go to soccer practice every day after school and run drills (some days it wasn’t what I wanted to do…but I had a team and a goal). So why does it feel like a chore to go to the gym after work a few times a week?
There’s some rhetoric around high school sports teams that they can leave you with a bad relationship with exercise. But, I don’t necessarily agree with that. I think I had a healthier view of exercise at that time because I was always working toward something. Now, without that end goal of games and competitions, I’m left with the only other goal I can think of which is to change the way I look.
A better goal of course would be mental health, longevity, or even having the energy for the rest of life. But, those are such LONG-term goals that my mind can’t wrap around them. It’s like saying “The goal of writing is to get help you think.” That’s a great purpose, but that is certainly not a goal. Those “goals” are the purpose of the exercise, not the goal.
Bringing this back around, I think my new goal would be to align how I see my body and how I think my body should look. Easier said than done because how I “think” my body should look may not be how I really want it to look…i.e. those thoughts are heavily influenced by media and society. So I’m looking for neutral ground.
For now, I am having a professional disagreement with my body. All it wants is daily movement and my mind is fighting that saying we need a purpose for the movement. Ugh. So, I’ll focus on movement that can reconnect me with my body — walks and yoga and pilates. I’ll search for a solid goal rather than a vague purpose. I’ll “find my why” as they say. Heck, maybe I’ll join a recreational sports league.
Happy Moving!
Rachel
Subtle Stories 