As another friend announces their having a baby, I’m left in a swirl of thoughts. Like so many other women of my age, I think about what it would mean to have kids. The good, the bad, the weird…and for the most part I can usually see the appeal (and also the off-putting concept of completely changing my identity into someone only known as “MOM”…).
There’s the loss of consistent sleep and free time. The messes, bodily fluids, destruction of random items including walls and furniture, etc. But we survived those with a puppy albeit for a shorter time and to a different degree. (Don’t come for me, I have cleaned up more poop and puke than you’d think with my dear doggo). The constant sickness of school-aged children is a whole different beast. On the personal side, the mind-boggling bodily changes in an already dysmorphic consciousness, the very high potential for postpartum depression and anxiety, the constant and ever-present worry for this tiny being’s safety and health and happiness. I’m worried about the mental and physical side for myself. I do not feel some “grand calling” to be a mother, but I am a natural caregiver (to the point of neglecting myself sometimes) and have caught myself thinking “Well when we have a kid…”
But there’s also the wonder of watching a person grow and learn — something I loved with my puppy, even during those baby-shark times. There’s knowing that any child we had would be supremely loved and spoiled — grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends who would still be called aunts and uncles. There’s getting to share the things we love — foods, books, games, places.
What I’m struggling most with right now is the thought of raising a child in our current *waves hand at world* mess.
How can I, in good conscience, have a child when the climate is in danger, people’s rights are in danger, sending them to school is more dangerous than driving them around in a car, childcare is as expensive as college tuition, and my health could be in danger because my agency is slowly being ripped away on a legal level so pregnancy could very well be disastrous? And if I’m stressing about these things now, wouldn’t that mean it’s only going to multiple x100 once there is an actual human child in the midst?!
These are conversations the hubs and I have all the time. It makes me wonder how people decided to have kids during war times or amid disasters. Obviously, for many people, it was not a conscious choice, or they were fulfilling a “duty” they thought they had as a woman. I suppose there is the thought that you raise future generations to care about the problems that exist. But…*waves hand at the world* some things will be hard to “fix” in the next generations or will make their lives so much harder.
Worse, we’re not sure what the next few years will look like for us, much less any child to be brought up in this. We are in a very stable space. As a white, married, heterosexual couple living in the suburbs with decent jobs, we are not in the danger that some of our close friends are. But we worry. Oh boy, we worry.
So, I wonder what some of our friends think and why it seems so easy for them (I’m sure it’s not). Maybe this being such a difficult decision means we shouldn’t? Maybe it means we definitely should because we’d be thoughtful parents? I’m really not sure.
The worst part is that I’m thinking about others when I weigh the options. I want to see our parents as grandparents. I want to see my siblings as aunts and uncles. Heck, I want to experience the tiny giggles and the excitement of new experiences with them. But sometimes…I don’t want my life to change. It will anyway, though…constantly and without warning.
I’ve heard people say it’s the hardest but best thing they’ve ever done. I’ve heard people say it’s the worst and best thing ever. But, how do you decide when the world is seemingly falling apart around you? How do you add one more difficult thing to the pile of challenges? A joyful thing, surely, but still very challenging.
I struggle because I the education to know that, rationally, we are in a much better place as a society than we were. The world has gotten better over time, despite everyone screaming over current events. It’s because of that screaming and fighting that things change and get better. But, what about the kids?
I know things were happening when my parents decided to have kids (it was the late 80s and early 90s after all…end of the Cold War, start of the Gulf War, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, etc.), and heck the end of wartime was probably why my grandparents had kids in the 50s and 60s. But did they ever think about what kind of world we’d be living in? Was that in their considerations or were they still in the parenthood-is-expected times? Is having a child supposed to be such a selfish endeavor that you look current events in the face and say “I want to be a parent anyways”? Or is that a way of staying hopeful for the future? “The next generation will be better.”
There will always be conflicts, times of strife, and injustices being fought. There will also always be supportive communities, people willing to fight for good, and voices calling things out. There is anxiety, yes, but there is also hope.
“To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow.” – Audrey Hepburn
Because that’s the thing, isn’t it? The generation our friends are raising is the future, as cheesy as that sounds. People who are having and raising children now can teach them with real current examples about treating people kindly, what equality really looks like, and showing them all the mistakes we made that might make things hard for them mostly where the environment is concerned. Just like our parents tried to do with us.
Still, I look at the state of the country and grimace. My health, a kid’s health, my rights, a kid’s withering education, my anxiety, a kid’s safety even at school — it seems like too much that could go wrong.
I have so much love in my heart and would love to release that onto a small child. This choice is made doubly hard because of angry men and women desperate to cling to power and money ripping away any safety nets to support the experience of motherhood. And I would most definitely end up okay in the long run, unlike so many who do not have the support systems and privileges that I have had.
This is so much deeper than what I’ve put on the page here. Motherhood is not a simple topic. I’m always amazed by women who have known they wanted to be mothers since they were very small. It takes courage, I’m learning, to take on that role when knowing most of what it entails. Having a kid changes everything: physical health, mental health, financial health, identity, daily routines, logistics of every aspect of life, work-life balance, personal time, relationships. Everything.
I do so love the thought of having a garden to nourish and watch grow. But, am I ready to change everything? I’m not so sure. But, at 33 years old, I’m running out of time to decide.
So for now, when they ask, “Are you going to have kids?” I’m still saying “I’m not sure.”
Subtle Stories 