I am going to admit that this past week I didn’t try very hard. I only journaled 3 days of the 7, but I did do some fun “artist date” things by going to the farmer’s market, a new place for lunch, and getting some coffee shop writing time done with some friends. I know the artist dates are supposed to be a solo thing, but I’m still working on that part of it. Like I mentioned previously, I’ve started doing Lagree classes again which is fueling me in multiple ways.
I had a really good week! I am in a really good place mentally right now. However, I haven’t really truly dug into the week’s tasks…so let’s look at it and my resistance to them.
This week you are being asked to examine your pay-offs in remaining stuck. You will explore how you curtail your own possibilities by placing limits on the good you can receive. You will examine the cost of settling for appearing good instead of being authentic. You may find yourself thinking about radical changes, no longer ruling out your growth by making others the cause of your constriction.
This week was all about investigating good vs. authentic. I fell into the “good kid” trap growing up. Doing anything “wrong” or even the thought of doing something “wrong” gave me crippling fear. I was shy and risk averse (still am).
We had a system in middle school called “punch cards.” It was a fairly simple demerit system. You started with a green card. Each had about 10 demerits or “punches” that you could get on them. Get through all of those and you got a detention and moved on to a yellow card with a smaller number (8 I think? maybe less). Fill those up and you got another detention and moved to a red card with only 5 demerits. Get through those and that led to a detention and a parent-teacher chat.
Those cards went for both behavior and academics. Talking in class? Get a punch. Forget an assignment? Get a punch. The punch was simply a hole-puncher that left your pretty green card with a very distinct hole in it. Rationally, a very simple thing to measure out demerits. Most kids moved on without it really impacting them. But I was terrified of getting a punch of ANY kind. So…I didn’t.
I was so scared that I managed to go my entire fifth through eighth grade school years never getting a single punch. At the time, I was proud. Now, I look at it and think of how absolutely horrified I was to do anything wrong. It wasn’t that I was a good kid. I mean was, but that’s irrelevant. I was not a good kid, I was an obedient kid. I was a scared kid.
The silly, loud, imaginative side of me was completely squashed down during my school years. Nobody is to blame for my very wrong association with getting things wrong. But, that has followed me throughout my life. I created, but only quietly and at the “appropriate” times.
Getting things “wrong” scares the shit out of me. So I do my best to keep myself out of situations where I would be wrong.
That’s impossible. So, when I do get things wrong, I’m thrown back to being 13 years old, quickly finishing my assignment before the teacher got to my desk or not “going with the flow” because I knew a demerit could even maybe happen.
Nowadays, getting things wrong feels like it has more consequence. Getting fired, wasting money, losing a relationship, or causing actual harm. But, for something as simple as creating, the risks aren’t that high. The riskier things still seem too much, like following the dream to open a bookstore/coffee shop/art gallery that every girl seems to want to do right now.
Julia mentions that we should place our trust in the Universe to lead us toward what we want and what is good for us. “Pray to catch the bus, then run as fast as you can.” Keep asking for what you want, but do the leg work to get yourself there. Like, meeting the Universe partway there. It likes a moving target, so move in the direction you want to go and it will send the winds the way you’re supposed to be going.
Not to get all “woo woo” on you, but I do believe in a greater force. Be it God or the Universe or whatever you want it to be. I like what some would call “witchy shit,” but not so hard that I’m out here doing spells for all my problems. I like it as a psychological idea. Crystals to remind me of a goal or motivation. Signs in places that are important to me, like the types of birds in my garden or songs on my drives. I love the concept of synchronicity to show that you’re on the right path.
Julia even goes so far as to offer a journal prompt to list “5 reasons I can’t believe in a supportive spirit or god.” She says to be brutal. I won’t share mine, but I’m sure you have some that immediately come to mind.
After that, the tasks are all about creating lists. “If I were 20 and had money, I would…” “If I were 65 and had money, I would…” “If I had either faith or money, I would…” I think what she’s trying to get us out of the scarcity mindset. Out of the “well I can’t do that because x,y,z.” Instead, just looking at what we actually want or wish. It’s an interesting exercise.
All of the tasks this week are looking at the “virtue trap.” What would we do if we weren’t afraid of being judged? What would we do as our true, authentic selves? What is the block standing in the way of that?
My fear is a deeper issue that I’m actively working on. The tasks from this week make me look at things a little deeper. I’m not sure what kind of change will happen, but I’m sure that no matter what it will be a good one for me.
Like I said, I had a really great week and I’m still in a good place mentally. I even started a new short story this week and finally finished chapter 6 of my edits! Things are starting to move again, which I am extremely grateful for.
Happy Creating!
Rachel
Subtle Stories 