Week 10 was pretty uneventful…by which I mean I don’t think I really put my all into it. However, this week’s chapter talked a lot about vices. I don’t think I have any of the more “toxic” vices. I don’t do drugs, or smoke, or really even drink other than during special occasions. My vice is probably more in line with laziness or inaction. I tend to read too much fluff or watch too much television or use housework to avoid working on my projects. (Who can focus on writing a book when the floors need to be mopped or the bathrooms need to be cleaned?)
I didn’t do my morning pages nearly enough. I’ve found that there are certain weeks every month where my motivation just grinds to a halt. I am both over emotional and yet can’t do the things that will level me out. Quite the conundrum.
This week we explore the perils that can ambush us on our creative path. Because creativity is a spiritual issue, many of the perils are spiritual perils. In the essays, tasks, and exercises of the week, we search out the toxic patterns we cling to that block our creative flow.
This week, Julia asked us to identify our drug of choice. It could be one of the typically toxic ones, or it could even be family, friends, work. Anything that we are “using” to avoid the creative work is damaging. These usually come through right when we’re getting into the thick of a project. A breakthrough will happen and shortly there after we are finding reasons we just can’t work on it.
It’s usually anxiety around the project, or just the act of creativity, that makes us turn to the vices instead. Julia says to refocus that anxious energy into the creative acts instead—use it as fuel.
Droughts
Despite the vices, there may just be times that we are in a creative drought. This section resonated with me, because it truly feels like that. Where you want to create, but the well is empty. However, it is more that we are filled with doubt than we are out of ideas. There’s a heavy sense of “what does it even matter.”
During a drought, we are suffering from loss of faith in the Universe and in ourselves. Everywhere there is the feeling that none of what we’re doing matters.
Like moving through a desert, we need to carry on through the drought. The only way to get over it is to go through it. The morning pages are meant to help during these times. Much like journaling helps get through tough times by really digging into what’s going on in your mind.
For me, this drought feels a lot like laziness. I’m not working on the book when I “should” be. I could have already been done by now if I had just stuck to a schedule and done the work. But, it’s not laziness if we’re upset by it. I’ve hear from others, “if you really were lazy, you’d be having fun.” Am I doing other things that are “more fun” than writing? Maybe. I have certainly enjoyed the 20-something fluffy romance novels I’ve read this year instead of using even thirty minutes of that time to edit a page or two. Does that make me lazy? Or, did that mean I needed a break?
One thing’s for sure, reading is my vice of choice. It’s going to take a little more discipline for me to figure out how to work around that one. Maybe using it as a treat rather than a distraction would help.
Fame and Competition
The last stumbling block is the comparison game. Much like the jealousy we touched on a few weeks back, comparing ourselves to those who are famous or even just recognized for achievements can cause our inner critic to go on a self-deprecating rampage. It’s seen as the “how am I doing?” syndrome. This means that success is no long under our own definition, but in the general public’s.
The other aspect of this is watching other people achieve your dreams. That one friend who publishes their book quickly with another on the way causes you to think “well, why are they so special?” They did the work. “Why do they always have the cool stuff happen to them?” or “don’t I deserve that kind of luck?” When someone accomplishes something big, especially when we have similar goals, it feels like they won a competition. Instead of using them as proof that it can be done, we cut ourselves down because it’s already been done.
The desire to be better than makes it really hard just to be.
I’ve fallen into this trap a lot. A former classmate is featured in a magazine for their unique new business or for their artistic achievements and the green monster of jealousy comes out to play. It doesn’t matter that they worked hard, probably fun outings for their passion projects. It doesn’t matter that I too could succeed if I put even a little bit of time each day. No. Instead, the critic says that they did it and now I can’t. It makes very little rational sense.
Originality is the process of remaining true to ourselves.
When competition and comparison comes into play, our ego wins. We can no longer be creative if we’re judging every step of the way against someone else’s finished product. For writers especially, it feels like we’ll never have a beautifully bound book when we’re staring at the red-lined markup pages of edits. It looks so far from the finished books we’ve read and loved. We forget that those books looked quite similar to ours during the drafting stages.
The Tasks
I’m still catching up on these. They’re doozies for the emotions.
- The Deadlies: Take an envelope. Into it, put 7 folded strips of paper, each with one of these words written on it: alcohol, drugs, sex, work, money, food, family/friends. Draw one out. Write down 5 ways that have had a negative impact on your life. (If it doesn’t apply, ignore that belief, call it resistance and think a little sideways until you have an answer.) Now, fold the paper and replace it. Now, draw again. You will do this 7 times. If you find that you draw one more than once, do it again, and know that it is actually significant. Often it is the last impact on the final list of “Oh not THAT again” that forms the breakthrough.
- Touchstones: Make a quick list of things you love. Put the list itself where it can console you. Draw or acquire one of the items on the list, if that will feel good. Play a little.
- The Awful Truth: Answer the following questions: and Tell The Truth
- What habit do you have the gets in the way of your creativity?
- What do you think might be a problem? (It is.)
- What do you plan to do about the problem?
- What is your payoff for holding onto the block?
- If you can’t figure out the problem, ask a trusted friend.
- Which friends make you doubt yourself? (It’s your self-doubt, they just trigger it.)
- Which believe in you and your talent? (The talent is yours, but they believe in it and help you to also.)
- What is the payoff for hanging with the destructive friends? (If the answer is “I like them,” the next question is “Why?”)
- Which destructive habits do your destructive friends share with your destructive self?
- Which constructive habits do your constructive friends share with your constructive self?
- Setting the bottom line: Working with your answer to #3, try setting a bottom line for yourself. Begin with five of your most painful behaviors, you can add later.
- Examples:
- Bottom line: I will not work on my days off.
- Bottom line: I will not place my work before creative commitments.
- Bottom line: I will plan and partake in an artist’s date each week. The plan will be in place by Tuesday.
- Examples:
- Cherishing
- List 5 small victories
- List 3 nurturing actions you took for your inner self
- List 3 actions you CAN take to nurture your inner self
- Make 3 nice promises to yourself, and keep them
- Do one lovely thing for yourself EACH day this week
Happy Creating!
Rachel
Subtle Stories 